


everything he could never be

by em_the_gem



Series: not-so-single-parents [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Family Feels, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Single Parents AU, in general it's v soft I promise, mention of slight alcohol abuse, mention of slight dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-01 02:05:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13988184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/em_the_gem/pseuds/em_the_gem
Summary: In between jobs, Alec and his son, Max, move to Alec's mother's country home where they meet Magnus and his son, Rafael - the small family Maryse rented the 1st floor out to. As a big city MD and single dad, Alec finds himself fascinated by Magnus' eccentric healing practice, parenting methods and deep brown eyes.And while preparing for the move to London, finally spending time with his son, and juggling his growing affection towards Magnus, the ghosts of Alec's childhood threaten to disturb the peace he'd found surrounded by his family.





	everything he could never be

**Author's Note:**

> so, here we are... after months of thinking, plotting and writing I'm finally ready with my next big fic!
> 
> initially, this was going to be a fun, light hearted, easy piece but as the weeks went on, i felt it tug me in another direction - a direction that felt more right, and felt like it needed to be written out.
> 
> a special thanks to my beta, [@tylerhunklin ](http://tylerhunklin.tumblr.com/), to the one who inspired me, [@daddariossmile](http://daddariossmile.tumblr.com/), to my amazing artist, [@belovedbane](http://belovedbane.tumblr.com/), to [@wylanhenrikks](https://wylanhendrikks.tumblr.com/%20) for the spanish translations and to [@maghnvsbane ](https://maghnvsbane.tumblr.com/), for letting me rant about this story at 3 am.
> 
>  **discliamer:** i know absolutely nothing about the process of adoption, medical terms or healing plants. this is a work of fiction and my romanticized idea of what single fatherhood looks like. **there's also a trigger warning for slight dysphoria and mentions of alcohol abuse**

_I wanna hold counsel with the ghost of my father_  
_Tell him I'll be everything he could never be_  
_And if I face the obstacles that he failed to conquer_  
_I'll make it through the other side_

\- Prodigal Son by Rationale

* * *

 

“This is it, Dad!” a young voice tore his eyes from his phone to momentarily glance up and out the window. Humming in agreement, he looked back on his phone screen, his fingers never leaving the keys as he typed an email. 

“Don’t get too excited Max, we’re only here for three weeks.” Alec put his phone away with a frustrated sigh - data never seemed to work this far into the country. He looked at Max, who sat back down in his seat with a pouty face. “Don’t give me that face, you knew this.”

Max shot him a displeased look that only a 6-year old could and crossed his arms. Before he could say anything, the car they were sat in turned left off the road and onto a gravel driveway. 

Putting a hand on his shoulder, Alec kept Max from getting completely out of his seat in pure excitement. “Max, calm down.” But Alec understood. He tried hard not to jump out of his seat himself at the sight of his childhood home. 

The old farm house appeared between rolling hills and miles of fields. The open skies above them were blue, with splotches of white clouds letting the sun warm the early spring afternoon. The small patch of woods in the backyard had grown even bigger in the years Alec hadn’t been home, and it filled him with a sort of melancholy, a weird desperate want to be a kid again. 

“Do you remember living here when you were younger?” Alec couldn’t help the stretch of his neck and the smile on his face as the car pulled closer and the front door to the house opened. The familiar tall figure of his mom stepped out, followed by a dog that had been merely a puppy the last time Alec had seen it. 

“No.” Max had been newborn when Alec had adopted him, bringing him home to his mom for the first year before they’d moved to Paris. It made sense that he didn’t remember much from that time. Aled didn’t either. That first year had been a rush of diaper changes, sleepless nights and trying to sort everything out before their first move.

The car stopped, and the driver opened the door on Alec’s side and closed it again once Max had slid out after him. The air was crisp and clean this far in the country, and the wind coming from the mountains carried traces of pine and ice. The gravel driveway crunched underneath their feet as they moved around the car to gather their belongings from the trunk of the car. Alec paid the driver handsomely and shook his hand before he drove away.

“Oh Max, look how big you’ve gotten!” His mom’s voice was full of pride, and as Alec turned around, he saw that she’d already taken Max in her arms and hugged him tightly, not letting him go without a kiss on his forehead.

Max beamed at her and Alec smiled, glad that she wasn’t a total stranger to him. Maryse had made an effort of traveling to visit them wherever they lived for Christmas and for birthdays. She would often stay weeks at a time, giving Alec a break from parenting and more time to focus on his job. However, it had been a little over a year since she’d come to visit them, as Alec and Max had been busy moving from Copenhagen to Chicago in the fall.

“Alec. Oh, I’ve missed you both so much!” She embraced him in one of her warm hugs, and Alec felt the remains of the travel tension leave his body with an exhale. He hugged her back just as tightly, reluctant to let go as something welled up and wet his eyes. Mumbling a quick  _ I missed you too _ , he blinked rapidly as he finally let her go and turned to see Max eyeing the dog suspiciously.

Smiling, Alec crouched down and held his hand out to the dog who came to sniff it curiously. There had always been dogs around as he grew up, and they had all been huskies. This one was a Siberian husky with gray fur and bright, blue eyes. The husky recognized Alec’s scent even though it had been 5 years and begun huffing out excited barks.

Chuckling, Alec looked at Max. “His name is Baldur, and he’s harmless. Aren’t you buddy? Yes, you are!” He cooed at the dog, and it barked a little too loudly, making Max step back and hide behind Alec.

It took them awhile for Max to warm up to the husky, but soon Max buried his face in the dog’s gray fur and refused to leave its side. Maryse had carried their bags inside the house while Alec had stayed behind to keep a watch of Max and Baldur. They were roughly the same age, as Baldur had been a newly adopted puppy when Alec had come home with Max.

“Come inside boys, I think it’s going to rain!” And just as Maryse had said that, drops fell from the sky. Alec ushered Max and Baldur inside. 

Shaking off his coat, Alec couldn’t help but look around the house and revel in how everything looked just the same; familiar and safe. Everything still had that faded and worn look to it, but somehow it didn’t seem old. The furniture was carefully selected and placed throughout the living room, and to Alec it felt like stepping back in time. He could almost see himself and Izzy running around playing with their toys, lounging on the couch in front of the fireplace, or cramming for SATs by the desk in the corner.

Every piece of furniture had been carefully selected in oak wood with deep maroon covers for the upholstery of the couches and chairs, and the oil lanterns hanging on the walls and from the ceiling helped create a warm and slightly stuffed space. The fire crackled in the fireplace, and the smell of freshly ground coffee wafted through the living room from the kitchen.

Walking further into the house, passing the living room and moving towards the kitchen, he walked in a small circle around himself, taking everything in and reveling in the feeling of being back home. 

His eyes caught on the carved pattern in the ceiling and didn’t watch as he turned the corner into the kitchen. He immediately ran into someone, causing them to drop their belongings on the floor.

Stuck between being shocked and slightly alerted that someone other than him, his mom and Max were in the house, and being startled at the impact of the person, he looked around to see who he’d bumped into.

“I’m so sor-“ the words died in his throat as a man with dark hair looked up from where he had bent down to pick up what Alec had pushed out of his hands. Sheets of paper and a few pouches lay strewn around them, but all Alec could focus on were the dark eyes looking at him with a hint of irritation. 

He crouched down to help the man collect his stuff and started to apologize for his insensibility. They reached for the same pouch at the same time and Alec, taken aback at how calloused yet soft the man’s fingertips felt, froze like a deer in headlights. 

The man with dark hair and eyes and,  _ oh _ , broad shoulders looked at him with less irritation and more astonishment this time around. Time seemed to slow down as they sat there, seemingly lost each other’s eyes - which to Alec seemed like the start of a cliché teen movie. 

“Oh, there you are! And I see you’ve met Magnus.”

His mom’s cheerful voice drew him out of his stare, and it seemed to shake the man - Magnus - as well since he shook his head and stood up. 

Alec rose to his feet and, in the lack of better things to do, passed the handful of papers to Magnus, then reached his hand out in a greeting. 

“I’m-”

“The doctor,” Magnus shook his head, flustered. “I mean… Alexander, Maryse’s son. Yes, I remember her saying you were arriving today. I’m Magnus Bane.”

Magnus shook Alec’s hand with a firm handshake and shuffled his papers and pouches to fit them in a neat pile. 

“And, uh, sorry to be rude but… who exactly are you?” Alec was thoroughly confused. He didn’t recall his mom telling him about anyone living in her house. 

“Alec, this is Magnus. The healer I told you about? The one who agreed to rent the other half of the house? I told you about this when we last spoke.”

_ Oh, right _ . Alec remembered that conversation now that she mentioned it. Max had been throwing a tantrum because he hadn’t wanted to pack his stuff, so Alec had been listening with half an ear to what his mom had been saying. 

Alec made a sound to acknowledge this information and smiled vaguely at Magnus in apology. He just shrugged in response. 

A loud sound, the sound of someone running hastily down a set of stairs, broke the awkward silence in the kitchen and shortly after a tall, lanky boy with a mess of brown curls stood in the doorway. He looked to be around 13, but Alec had never been good at guessing ages.

“Rafael, what did I tell you about running in the house?” Magnus shot the boy a proven glare and shook his head. 

“Sorry, Papa,” the boy - Rafael - said. He looked at Alec with interested eyes as his mouth quirked up in a smile. 

“It’s okay, Rafe,” Maryse said and opened her arms for the boy. He hugged her briefly before letting go, not escaping her embrace without a quick kiss on the temple. It was weird seeing his mom this close to someone who wasn’t family.

“This is Rafael, my son. I swear he’s usually more well behaved,” Magnus said with a fond gleam in his eyes as he looked at his son. 

Rafael stuck his tongue out but went to his father’s side with a big smile directed at Alec. He stuck out his hand and Alec took it, a little surprised by the boy’s outgoing personality. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Rafael said, smiling brighter when something behind Alec caught his eyes. 

Max and Baldur came in through the door and, presumably from feeling their glances on him, looked up. The smile previously displayed on his face turned into a frown as he eyed Magnus and Rafael suspiciously. Baldur promptly left Max’s side and went to Rafael, who bent down to pet him. It was clear that this man and his son somehow had become interwoven in Maryse’s life.

“Dad, who are they?” Max stepped closer to Alec and stood slightly behind him, his eyes never leaving the other two. Alec gently stroked his hair and smiled at him.

“This is Magnus and his son Rafael,” he gestured towards them, and they smiled at Max, Rafael raising his hand in a small wave. Alec noticed the way Magnus’ nose scrunched up as he smiled. “This is my son, Max.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Max, we’ve heard a lot about you. Both of you.” At the latter remark, Magnus locked eyes with Alec, an action that for some reason  made heat trickle up his neck.

“Are you joining us for dinner?” Maryse asked, reaching out to grab Alec’s elbow as if she couldn’t really grasp that he was there. She looked at Magnus and Rafael, who nodded enthusiastically, and smiled back at Alec before walking to the fridge.

A strange, loaded silence settled around them as Alec felt Magnus’ eyes on him, but he was busy watching Max, who was now eyeing Rafael warily. To Alec, it was strange to think that another man and his son had been living in what would always be his childhood home while he had been gone. 

“Well, we should let the two of you settle in. We’ll see you at dinner,” Magnus said and placed a hand on Rafael’s shoulder. Nudging him forward, they passed Alec and Max as Rafael kept walking towards the living room. Magnus paused at Alec’s shoulder and looked at him with an open gaze.

Smiling briefly, he asked, “Do you drink?” 

Alec usually didn’t because of his job, but there was something about Magnus and the way he’d so casually asked this, and the fact that Alec wouldn’t be near a hospital for at least three weeks that made him nod and say yes.

“Great. I’ll see you later.” Magnus winked and walked away before Alec could react. The light from the oil lamp on the wall had caught his dark rimmed eyes, making them sparkle. Alec was caught off guard, unable to move.

“I like him. He seems nice.” Max’s blunt comment drew him out of his daze and he looked at his son who was looking back the way Magnus had disappeared.

Breathing in, Alec said, “Yeah, he does.” Shaking himself out of his head, he grabbed Max and lifted him up, making him squeal with glee. “Come on, let’s go settle in. I think Grandma has you in Aunt Izzy’s old room.”

 

***

 

At dinner, they all settled into comfortable conversation. Magnus had brought a bottle of red wine with him, and Maryse seemed ecstatic about that for some reason Alec didn’t know. He came to the conclusion that it must’ve been one of their seemingly many inside jokes. Max didn’t talk as much as he usually did during dinner, but he seemed comfortable enough as he smiled at his grandmother and at Rafael who sat across from him.

“I probably have to go into the woods tomorrow to restock some herbs, and-”

Alec didn’t mean to interrupt Magnus in what he was about to say, but a piece of lettuce got stuck in his throat and made him cough.

“I’m sorry, did you say you were going to the woods to pick up herbs?” Alec looked at him incredulously and with a small grin on his face. Afraid he was wrong, he simply had to reassure himself that he’d heard what Magnus had said.

“Yes. What’s so funny about that?”

“Herbs? I thought you were a healer?”

Magnus raised a brow and looked at Maryse with an ‘Is he kidding?’ expression before looking back at Alec. He put down his utensils and leaned forward a bit.

“What do you think healers do?”

Alec looked at his mom who smiled into her glass of wine, avoiding his stare and avoiding having to pick sides.

“I don’t know what you do, but whatever it is, isn’t it a bit risky to depend on plants and nature?”

“Isn’t it a bit risky to depend on technology and robots?” Magnus retorted and smirked as he grabbed his wineglass, leaning back again.

Alec nodded and shot him a challenging glare. It was rare he got to spar using his wits.

“Okay. What’re you gonna do when there’s a year the winter has been too rough and spring arrives late and your herbs won’t grow?”

“That’s such a bizarre example!” Magnus laughed and Alec smiled, noticing the crinkles around his eyes. “But in case that happens? I have greenhouses where I grow most of my supply.”

Somehow that didn’t surprise Alec, and he leaned back in his chair to take him in. Magnus held his gaze, challenging him to keep going. Alec accepted, licking his lips.

“And what happens if your herbs aren’t good enough and you can’t heal you client?”

“Alec,” Maryse warned but Magnus leaned forward and squinted at Alec.

“I have contacts in the city at the local hospital I can direct them to. And you? If you can’t help people, who are you gonna direct them to? The morgue?”

“Magnus!” Maryse’s voice was stern.

“Papa!” 

Alec’s breath hitched, and he swallowed hard. He looked at Max and was suddenly pulled 6 years back in his life, staring at the pale woman who’d failed to live to see her newborn son. 

Magnus, having seen how pale Alec had gotten, straightened and placed his glass of wine on the table.

“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.”

Alec, still unable to look anywhere but at Max, who was looking at him with his blue eyes, curious and wondering, took a deep breath, looked back at Magnus and shook his head. 

“It’s okay. That’s what happens. Even for the best.” Maryse reached out and squeezed his hand. She’d been the one who told him that when he’d lost his first patient. 

“But I’m still a little suspicious of the herbs. I’ve heard of acupuncture and chiropractics, but never healing with herbs.” Trying to lighten the mood, he picked up the bottle of wine and filled both his own, Maryse’s and Magnus’ glasses. Rafael moved uncomfortably in his seat, and Alec noticed that both of the boys had finished eating. 

“If you’re done eating, you’re allowed to leave the table,” Maryse said with a smile. Rafael cast a glance at Magnus, looking for permission, who nodded. 

They left the table and Alec smiled at Max who carefully balanced his empty plate and utensils in his hands. His tongue stuck out in concentration as he walked into the kitchen. 

“Suspicion is fine. I know there are many types of pseudo medicines and I get that it can be confusing. But I’ve found my calling in herbal medicine and helping people the best I can with the resources I have.”

“That makes sense. I’m sure it’s very… efficient.” Alec finished off his glass of wine and received a scolding look from his mom. “If it makes you happy, then I’m not going to try to convince you otherwise.”

Magnus nodded, impressed, and downed the rest of his glass as well. Somehow the dinner ended less comfortably than it had started, and in a way, Alec was fine with that. 

Later, when he’d put Max to bed in Izzy’s old room and said goodnight to his mom, he found himself trying to connect his laptop to the WiFi. With no luck for the fifth time. 

“Jesus Christ…,” he murmured to himself and pushed it away in frustration. He knew he had at least 5 unanswered emails left from this afternoon, and who knew how many more had ticked in since he’d lost signal?

“Don’t bother, it lives its own life.” Magnus stood in the doorway to the living room with a glass of wine in his hand. “May I join you?”

Alec made space for him on the couch and Magnus sat down in the corner, sipped his wine and looked at him. The house was quiet save for the crackling fire and the ticking of the clock in the corner. 

“I didn’t mean to come off as offensive earlier,” Alec started, and Magnus flashed him a quick smile before looking into the fire. “I’ve just… I’ve never met anyone like you. A healer.”

Magnus smiled at that and chuckled. “I bet you laugh at us at the hospitals.”

“We do, actually,” Alec said and smiled. He remembered an episode at the hospital in Copenhagen where an elderly lady had been seeing a healer for many years until she found out he’d been treating her for the wrong condition. Luckily, it was nothing major, but it had still put smiles on their faces. They’d laughed about the healer’s lesser knowledge for months. 

Upon seeing the raised eyebrow on Magnus’ face, Alec told him the story and it resulted in Magnus smiling and nodding in recognition.

“I bet you get a lot of patients like that?”

“I’m an Ob-Gyn, so not a lot of my patients have consulted healers before seeing me.”

“Really? Interesting…”

“Why do you say that?”

“It’s just… I have a lot of clients coming to see me for calming herbs and incense prior to them trying. Even during the pregnancy they’re looking for inexpensive vitamins. And I’ve got those. At least less expensive than the ones your kind prescribes.”

Alec eyed him suspiciously and leaned forward a bit. 

“And does it work? Your calming herbs and incense?”

“I’ve helped a couple of women, yes. And they have been very pleased with the effect.”

“And you make a living out of this? Pleasing women?” It could not have come out more wrong, and Magnus caught on to the implication and huffed out a laugh. Alec winced and shook his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s quite alright. I got the hint,” Magnus chuckled and leaned back in couch, patted the pillows to make himself more comfortable. “But yes, I do make a living out of this. Herbs don’t come cheap, you know?”

It was a rhetorical question, so Alec simply nodded. A comfortable silence settled around them and Alec watched as Magnus fiddled with the simple black ear cuff on the shell of his ear. 

They sat in silence until the clock struck midnight when, almost in sync, they yawned. 

“Well, I guess I’ll see you in the morning?” Magnus made a move to stand up and stretched his shoulders as he looked down on Alec. 

Alec couldn’t help but notice the small patch of brown skin as his shirt pulled up. Shaking himself out of it, he asked, “What, you also eat breakfast together?”

“Of course we do. We’re like a family!” Magnus smiled and grabbed his empty wine glass. “Goodnight, Alexander.”

 

***

 

The following Monday morning passed in a rush of Magnus getting Rafael out of the door in time for school and Maryse giving Alec instructions on how to boil the water to make the perfect cup of coffee in case she wouldn’t be there to make more for him later in the day. 

When Rafael had been ushered out the door and Maryse had left them all to go do her grocery shopping, Max finally spoke. He’d been oddly quiet all morning, looking pensively between Magnus and Rafael, and Alec knew he was up to something. 

“Dad, can I go with Magnus? Into the woods?”

Alec looked up from his phone that had finally agreed to cooperate with him and looked between Max and Magnus. Magnus raised a surprised eyebrow as he stirred his cup of tea. 

“If it’s okay with Magnus, I don’t see a reason you can’t.”

Magnus nodded and smiled, still surprised. “Does he have any warm clothes?”

“Yes, let me go grab them.”

All kinds of warm, weatherproof clothes had been required and necessary while they’d lived in Copenhagen and, thankfully, Alec had decided to keep them. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around Max’s question to go out in the woods. Especially not with Magnus since Max had little trust in people he’d just met. But then again, he had said he liked him within five minutes of knowing the man, and a child’s intuition seldom failed. 

“Alright, here we go. I’ll hang your coat in the entryway until you’re ready to go.” Alec came back to find Max sitting next to Magnus at the table, looking at a tablet in front of them. 

“So what we’re going to look for are these blue flowers. Do you think you can remember that?”

“I like blue. It’s my favorite color.”

“Oh yeah? Blue is great color.”

“They used to call me-“ And then Max proceeded to pronounce a word that Alec vaguely remembered. 

“What was that?” Magnus asked politely, clearly confused as well. 

“Blueberry. They used to call him blueberry at his kindergarten in Copenhagen because he would only wear blue for the longest time, isn’t that right, Max?”

Alec couldn’t help the fond smile on his face as Max looked away shyly. Alec nudged his son’s cheek up and squeezed it gently. 

“You be good, okay? And listen to what Magnus says. Magnus knows a lot, so don’t stick anything in your mouth before asking him. I don’t want Magnus to come tell me that you didn’t listen to him. When I’m not around, Magnus is in charge, alright?”

“Yes, Dad,” Max said, smiling before hopping off the chair and running to the entryway. 

“I guess that’s my cue to get going. Could I get you to clear out the kitchen? It’s my day, but someone just named me babysitter.”

“Hey, if you don’t want him to come just tell me, and I’ll let him know he’ll have to stay home.” Alec felt kind of bad to just leave Magnus with his kid, but the other man had seemed okay with Max tagging along. 

“No such thing. I’ll take good care of him, I promise. We’ll be back before lunch!” Magnus reassured him and followed Max out to the entryway. 

Alec vaguely heard Magnus ask what kind of flower they were looking for to which Max’s high pitched voice yelled, “Blue!”

After clearing out the kitchen and dwelling in the peacefully quiet house, Alec had just settled in with a cup of coffee and his laptop, determined to make it work, when the landline phone rang. Knowing that Maryse was out grocery shopping and that Magnus and Max were out in the woods, it left Alec slightly frustrated that he was the only one there to pick up the phone.

Leaving his nest of blankets and pillows on the patio couch, he hurried back inside to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Alec?” A young voice, Rafael he assumed, sounded nervous on the other side, and an unknown worry settled in his stomach.

“Rafael?” Alec asked and received a confirming hum in the other end. “Is everything alright?”

“Is my dad there?” Alec noticed how he deflected his question and frowned.

“No, he’s out with Max. Are you okay? I can try and get him if you want?”

“No, don’t… don’t get my dad,” he said quickly. “Can you pick me up at school?” If Alec wasn’t mistaken, Rafael’s voice trembled. 

“I’ll be there in 30 minutes.”

He hung up the phone and let out a deep sigh. Work would have to wait, especially since the tremble of Rafael’s voice still rang in his ears. Making sure his laptop was put safely back inside, he left his coffee untouched on the table outside and locked up the house. 

It took him 20 minutes to drive into town to the school he used to go to, and he was struck by how much it all looked the same as when he had been growing up. The hallways were still the same bland, grayish color, the same bulletin boards still hung on the wall, and was that a poster on DNA that he himself had hung up in the 7th grade? Shaking his head, he turned a corner and spotted Rafael outside the Principal’s office he had found himself in on a few memorable occasions.

An ache settled in his chest when he saw the way Rafael’s head and shoulders hung forward, as if shame had overtaken his body and controlled it. Shuffling towards him, Alec kneeled in front of the boy and placed a tentative yet firm hand on his shoulder.

“Hey buddy, what’s going on?” Rafael lifted his head and looked at him with sad eyes. Alec recognized shame when he saw it, and he had to fight the urge to pull him into a hug right then and there. He’d known this kid and his father for a good 72 hours, and drawing knowledge from his own childhood, he probably wasn’t big on hugging strangers.

“Can we just go?” Rafael pleaded. He suddenly looked younger and Alec felt sympathy for the boy in front of him. Whatever had happened had shaken him to the core.

“Yeah, come on. Let’s go.” Alec picked up Rafael’s bag on the chair next to him, and stood. Rafael walked with firm steps towards the parking lot, and practically ran for Alec’s old pickup truck when he spotted it.

They were both quiet on the drive back, the only sound was the constant hum of the tires against the road and the quiet music from the stereo.

“You know your dad is gonna want to know why you’re home from school so early,” Alec tried, casting a brief glance at the boy. He was looking out the window, his hands fiddling with a notebook on his lap. 

“Papa doesn’t care. He’s always been opposed to public schools, but since there are no private schools in the area I’m stuck with ‘mediocre education’, as he puts it.” Rafael looked at him briefly, before staring out the window again. “He says I’m better off without it.”

“I doubt that’s something your dad would say. He seems like a smart man.” From the brief and few conversations he’d had with Magnus over the weekend, the man didn’t strike him as someone who’d be against education - even if it was mediocre.

“I didn’t feel well,” Rafael tried again.

“You’re fine,” Alec said and smiled to himself. “I’m a doctor, remember? I can tell when people are sick and when they’re not. And you’re not sick.”

Rafael was silent for a while and then he sighed, defeated.

“I got sent home, okay?”  

Alec simply nodded. The idea had crossed his mind, but he didn’t want to assume anything. Alec remembered getting sent home for speaking up against a teacher, and he remembered how angry his dad had been with him.

“Okay. What did you do?” he asked calmly, knowing that Rafael could refuse to tell him. Who was he to ask that kind of question anyway? 

Next to him, Rafael simply lifted his notepad and held it for Alec to look at. As he did, Alec almost choked. A chuckle escaped Rafael, and Alec was happy to see him smiling, but the drawing he’d shown him was anything but happy. It was a pencil sketch, heavy with shadows and so much detail that Alec could immediately tell who the drawing was supposed to be of.

“Principal Herondale?” Alec asked, bewildered that the old lady still worked at the same school.

“Yeah, you know her?” Rafael asked back, eyes now wide in question and shock.

“Yes! She was the principal when I was at school. I can’t believe she’s still working. She must be what, 70 or something?” he asked, mostly to himself.

“She turned 75 last year. The music teacher, Mr. Herondale - her grandson - put together an assembly and forced all of us to go. It was so boring.”

“Jonathan Herondale?” Alec asked, suddenly remembering the boy who used to be his friend, only that he’d gone by another name amongst friends. 

“You know him too? How old are you?” 

Alec looked at him in mock offense and refused to answer the question, no matter how many times Rafael asked him the rest of the way back.

“No, seriously, how old are you, Alec? Are you the same age as Papa?” Rafael asked as he dropped his bag on the kitchen counter and plopped onto the bar stool by the kitchen island. Alec had gone to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water to throw in Rafael’s direction. Rafael caught it with ease and started drinking.

“That’s none of your business. Now, what are you going to tell your dad when he comes home?”

“Tell your dad what?” Magnus’ voice surprised both of them, and they spun around to see him and Max walking in through the front door. They were both smiling and rosy-cheeked from the chilly March air. Max came running towards them, dragging mud with him.

“Dad! Look what I found!” Max jumped at him and Alec barely had time to catch him before he had a handful of dandelions in his face. “Magnus says you can make soup out of them. Can we have dandelion soup for dinner? Please Dad, please!”

“Alright, alright, slow down, Max,” Alec said, smiling at his son before casting a glance at Magnus, who stood by his son with a hand on his shoulder and a worried and confused look on his face.

“ ¿ _ Estás bien? _ ” Magnus asked. Rafael nodded, smiling a genuine smile that Alec couldn’t help but smile back at. Magnus kissed him on his forehead and didn’t push further. Maybe Magnus really didn’t care about Rafael’s education?

“Dad!” Max’s high pitched voice in his ears drew his thoughts away and he refocused on his son.

“Yes, what were you saying?”

Max sighed exasperatedly and started waving the dandelions in his face again. Right, dandelion soup for dinner.

“You know, I think your grandmother might have something else planned for dinner. But how about we get the outdoor fireplace started, and we can have some for lunch? And then we can let your dad get back to work.” Magnus looked at Max with wide eyes and a broad smile, clearly happy to entertain Max for the rest of the afternoon. Max’s excitement was just as easily detected, as he started to squirm in his grasp until Alec finally put him down.

Catching Magnus’ eye, he mouthed a silent ‘thank you’, to which Magnus winked in response before following Max outside. Alec couldn’t help but smile at the young boy’s enthusiasm. The idea that Max liked being outdoors was strange to him, considering he was used to living in big cities where the only outdoors consisted of city parks. 

A sudden thought came to him that took his breath away, and a heavy, familiar feeling of sadness settled in his chest. Alec had no idea what to do about it other than shake his head and focus on something else. Something constant. His job. He had work to do.

“Do you want to see some more drawings?” Rafael asked from where he was still sitting at the kitchen island, flipping mindlessly through the pages of his notebook.

“I’m sorry, but I have some work I need to take care of,” he excused himself and caught a glimpse of disappointment flicker across Rafael’s face, a sight that tightened the knot in his chest.

 

***

 

The sun was setting and cast long shadows onto the patio where Alec still sat bundled up in scarves and blankets, his laptop in front of him and his third cup of coffee empty. Too focused on the case in front of him, he didn’t notice the approaching footsteps, nor the cup of steaming soup placed by his side.

“What’s up, Doc?” Magnus sat down on the chair opposite him as Alec looked up from his screen. With the sun behind Alec, and so low in the sky it was practically orange, it lit up Magnus with that same light, bathing him in a golden glow. Alec lost his ability to talk for a brief second before pulling himself together.

“A report on a heart transplant that needed revision,” he said, closing the laptop to invest himself fully in the conversation. It was rare that Alec got to talk to other single parents, and since he was genuinely curious about Magnus, he didn’t want to let work get in between that.

“Ah well, hopefully nothing too serious?” Magnus asked with genuine concern in his tone.

Alec shook his head and laughed briefly. “No, nothing too serious.”

Noticing the cup by his side he pointed to it with a question forming on his lips.

“Dandelion soup. Max is very proud,” Magnus beat him to it and raised his own cup. Alec grabbed the cup and raised it to his his lips. The soup wasn’t… bad, it just wasn’t very good either. Guessing from the look on Magnus’ face, he was thinking the same. They chuckled and put down their cups, pushing them away as if to save themselves from accidentally grabbing them again.

“I personally prefer nettle soup, but it’s a bit too early in the year for them to grow,” Magnus said, looking at Alec with a small smile. Shrugging, he folded his arms on the table and leaned forward.

“I personally prefer the broccoli cheddar from ‘Au Bon Pain’. Which also says a lot about my eating habits. If it doesn’t have cheese or broccoli in it, I’m very indifferent to it.”

Magnus laughed at that and leaned back in his seat, watching him carefully before throwing his head back as if remembering something.

“I miss easy food,” he sighed and his mouth twisted into a sideways smile. “Out here everything takes at least 2 hours to prepare in advance.”

Alec chuckled before realizing something and then frowned. “I drove by a pizza place today.”

“Are you asking me out for pizza? So soon? My, my, Alexander,” Magnus smirked, and Alec rolled his eyes at his antics.

“You know what I mean,” Alec said, though he couldn’t help but notice the way his pulse sped up slightly at the sight of Magnus licking his lower lip before nodding.

“You want to know why we never order takeout?” Magnus asked leaning forward so that they were both leaning on the table, the steam of their cups rising in the air between them. “Would you order takeaway if you had your mother’s cooking every night?”

“Point taken,” Alec said simply. He’d always loved his mom’s cooking, and for the past 5 years, it was a rare occasion when he got to eat it.

“Speaking of driving…” Magnus grew silent and serious, his brows drawn together and a worried look in his eyes. “What happened to Rafe today?”

Alec should have seen it coming. Had it been the opposite and had Max been the one to be home early from school, he wouldn’t have shaken it off with a kiss on the forehead and a smile.

“Did you talk to him?” Alec asked, not wanting to go into this conversation blindly.

“I tried, but he says he’s too busy. With what, I don’t know.”

Alec frowned at that, but then shook his head and took a deep breath. How did you begin to tell a man you barely knew that his son had asked for him and not his own father?

“He got sent home for drawing the principal in an… uncharming way,” Alec said and received raised eyebrows from Magnus as an encouragement to go on. “With horns and a pointy tail.”

Magnus sighed deeply and shook his head. He looked tired all of a sudden, and Alec wanted to reach a hand out to let him know he knew what he was feeling. But he refrained from doing so, only squeezing his own arms instead.

“Was the drawing good at least?” Magnus asked

“What?” The question took him by surprise. Magnus didn’t sound angry, only tired.

“Was the drawing any good? I’m paying for special classes for him. It better be a good drawing!”

Alec was taken aback but got himself together enough to nod. “Yeah, it was… it was good.”

Magnus looked pleased and rose to his feet. With a last glance at Alec he walked back to where he came from. Alec couldn’t help but look at the way his hips swayed before returning to his report. 

  
  


***

 

“Damn it!” Running a hand through his hair for the 5th time that night, Alec pushed his reading glasses further up on his nose and moved his laptop around on the desk in search of a better signal. When it was no use, he sighed and leaned heavily over the table, shutting the screen down and putting the laptop to slumber.

He’d known the signal would be unstable and shaky out here, but somehow he had imagined it to be less trafficked this late at night. It wasn’t like this report was a necessity to have finished tonight, but after the day he’d had with Max - or rather without Max - he was insisting on getting as much work done as possible before tomorrow. 

“You look like you could use a break?” Magnus’ voice came from somewhere above him, and he raised himself up on his elbows to look at him standing in the wide doorway that connected the kitchen and the living room. He held a mug in each hand, and with a raised eyebrow, he almost looked like he was asking if Alec would like one.

Magnus and Rafael hadn’t joined them for dinner that night, and Alec fought the urge to ask why. He’d quickly gotten used to their company, and their dinner that night had felt oddly quiet and out of place.

“Thanks, but I should really keep working on this report,” was his only response as he forced his eyes away from the man in front of him and back to the closed laptop. Opening the screen again, he almost wanted to let out a pained wail as he saw that he’d completely lost the signal and thus could forget all about working for the rest of the night.

Groaning, he leaned back in his chair and restrained himself from flinging the laptop across the room. “Is the signal always this bad?” 

Magnus chuckled and stepped closer to lean on the desk as he put one mug down and folded his hands around the other. He was wearing a sweater with holes here and there, evidence of tear and wear, something Alec, in the short time of knowing Magnus, knew was something he wouldn’t want to be caught dead in wearing in public. 

“Only for you it would seem,” Magnus said as he looked at Alec, brown eyes warm in the low light of the living room. “Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something.”

“Like what?” Alec asked, a small smile creeping onto his face as he sipped the tea - his mom’s homemade quince tea.

“Maybe it’s trying to tell you that you should join me as I watch Grey’s Anatomy?” Magnus stepped away from the desk and moved to sit on the couch in front of the old TV. “I always have a few episode taped for nights I can’t sleep.”

Alec’s head was trying hard to keep up with what Magnus had said. He recognized the signs of insomnia - he too would watch TV whenever he couldn’t sleep - but he hadn’t imagined Magnus to be the kind of person to watch Grey’s Anatomy.

“Grey’s Anatomy, really?” Alec raised an eyebrow and sat down next to Magnus an arms length away.

Magnus sighed, “It passes the time. And I like to yell at them for talking during the operations.”

Nodding, Alec mused, “Yeah, I never understood that either.”

Alec let Magnus do the talking for the next hour, only interrupting to comment on something happening on the TV or something Magnus had said. The past few days had been easy in Magnus’ company. He’d found himself relaxing and forgetting about work whenever Magnus sat down to talk to him. 

The weekend had passed by in a hurry. They’d arrived Friday, spent Saturday settling in and yesterday they’d spent the day together, just him and Max, playing games and reading books. It had been a much needed break from the rush of moving and, for Alec, a well deserved break from work. Alec was almost looking forward to three weeks of sitting around and spending time with his son before diving back into work once they got to London.

“Thank you for your help today, Alexander.” The TV had been switched off, and Magnus had turned in his seat to face him.

“What’d you mean?” Alec was slightly confused and couldn’t quite understand what he was talking about.

“With Rafael. I’m glad you were there.” Magnus looked at him with a furrowed brow. “I talked to him earlier and he showed me the drawing. You were right, it was good.”

Alec huffed out a laugh. “Don’t worry about it, I’m happy to help.”

There was something about the expression Magnus had on his face that gave away he had more to say, so Alec kept quiet and waited.

“I want you to know that I don’t condone in that kind of behavior. Especially not from my son. I don’t know what he told you, but his education does matter to me. No matter how mediocre I might find that school to be. I want him to be the best version of himself and-”

“Magnus, you don’t have to explain,” Alec reassured him and shot him a smile.

“Is it weird that I find that I do?” Magnus shrugged and leaned forward to rest his shoulder against the backrest of the couch, decreasing the space between the two of them in the process. Something Alec shouldn’t have been aware of, but he was.

“Sometimes I think it’s his past creeping up on him.” Magnus said solemnly.

Frowning, Alec asked, “Is he adopted?”

Magnus nodded and looked lost in his thoughts for a little bit before a smile spread on his face. “I took him in when he was six years old. My former job had me stationed in Argentina where I was working at an orphanage. We connected instantly, and when I was headed home, I asked him if he wanted to come with me. And he did.”

“Your former job?”

“I was with Doctors Without Borders, but I quit almost as soon as the adoption had been completed. It was too much work, and I didn’t like the risk of having to move Rafael all over the world. Not when I didn’t know much of his past.”

Alec nodded, suddenly feeling guilty. Wasn’t that exactly what he was doing to Max? 

 

***

 

The next morning, Alec woke with a heavy feeling tightly knotted in his chest. It was a feeling he knew all too well, and as he rolled over in bed to face the windows facing the garden, not even the golden streak of the sunrise could loosen the knot. 

He’d been dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder all his life - starting from when he was in his early teenage years, and greeting him like an old friend promptly on the last days of October every year since. Dealing with SAD had never been a problem, but then Max had come into the picture, and suddenly it was no longer affecting only himself but Max as well.

There were days where taking care of Max felt like a burden, like it was the hardest thing to do, when in fact it was the exact opposite. Max had been an easy child to raise. He’d been a fast sleeper, easy to entertain and quiet when he needed to be. All that had somehow changed when they’d moved from Paris when Max was four. He’d started to get clingy and loud whenever Alec would be working or be around his colleagues. 

They’d spent 7 months in Singapore, 4 months in Jordan and a year in Copenhagen before moving back to Chicago where Alec had been working when the position in London had opened up and had practically called out to him. The position would be his for 3 years, with a possibility for prolonging in case Alec found it to be near perfect for him.

However, Max had seemed to understand that Alec couldn’t be around him all the time and he’d sunken into himself, almost closing himself off from Alec at times. Sometimes he would be his usual self - happy and laughing, the Max Alec remembered best. Or, at least, the Max he  _ wanted _ to remember best. 

In the few days they’d been here, Alec had seen more and more of that happy and laughing Max than he had in the last few months they’d spent in Chicago. Max had still been clingy and loud the other day when Alec had tried to get some work done, but instead of walking away with tears in his eyes and pouting or grumbling that Alec was the worst dad ever, Max had nodded somehow understandingly and had gone to entertain himself with something else. He couldn’t help but think about Magnus and how he so graciously had taken care of Max.

And that was almost the worst part: he could deal with SAD fine all by himself, but neglecting his kid and letting another man take care of him because Alec was too damn weak to do it himself was shameful to the point where it physically hurt. 

Breathing out a frustrated sigh, he squeezed his eyes shut trying not to beat himself up about it. Max was in good hands. Magnus was a good man.

Turning his back to the window and the sun, he reached out to his phone on his bedside table. The time showed a little past 7 am and Alec knew Max would be up soon. Biting down the shame, he sent his mom a text - a simple sad-faced emoji - and promptly received an ‘ _ I’ve got you. Get some rest. _ ’ 

His mom’s support meant the world to him, and it almost made him shed a tear because she had always been there for him when he needed it. When he’d come out, she’d been there to hug him and to tell him she loved him. When he’d told her he wanted to go to medical school instead of following his father’s footsteps into politics, she’d been there to financially support him and help him in any way she could. When he’d told her he was thinking about adopting a kid, she’d sat him down and they’d talked about his motives and she’d told him about the responsibility that comes with having a child. The first time he’d come home with him bundled up in his arms and had introduced him as Max - not Maxwell, simply  _ Max _ \- she’d broke down crying. Slightly mourning her stillborn son of the same name, but rejoicing in her first grandchild, her first grandson.

Basking in the warmth of that memory and the warmth of the sun on his back, he drifted back to that middle ground between being awake and being asleep. He thought he saw Max pop his head inside, a concerned look on his face, before the door closed again. At one point, Baldur had snuck in and jumped onto the bed to snuggle up at Alec’s feet with his head propped up on his shin. The husky’s snores reverberated through his body and it lulled him back to sleep.

He woke again to the smell of coffee and the sound of the door closing. The first thing he saw was a mug on his bedside table that hadn’t been there before. Reading the text on the mug, he somehow knew it hadn’t been his mom who’d placed it there. Pushing himself up to rest his head against the headboard and startling the sleeping Baldur by his feet, he picked up the mug and read the text again. ‘ _ Coffee because adulting is hard _ ’. Cracking a smile he felt the tension in his face release and as Baldur came to lick his face, he laughed and put the mug aside to scratch him under his chin and behind his ears.

“Hey buddy… you snore, did you know that?” He cooed at the dog and was licked on the chin in response. Alec chuckled to himself, his worries momentarily forgotten as the sun broke through a layer of clouds and shone brightly into the bedroom.

He didn’t know what time it was, but the house was quiet except for the sounds an old house made. Creaking floorboards, rustles of hinges. Sounds that Alec found comfort in. 

Baldur settled down next to him with his head in Alec’s lap, finally giving him his space to drink his coffee. It was prepared just the way he liked it - black with a little creamer to cool it down. With his phone in the other hand, he began his day scrolling through the few texts he’d gotten. His mom had texted him saying she was meeting her boyfriend Luke for lunch, but that she should be back in time for dinner. And if not, then Magnus would be there to help out. An unknown number, Magnus, he presumed, had texted saying he’d take Max under his wing for the day. It made Alec smile and save his number just in case. For practical reasons, he told himself.

 

***

 

He didn’t know how, but somehow the day passed in a blur, and suddenly it was 8 PM, and there were sounds of people in the house again. He was in the the middle of reading an article about healing herbs, something he’d felt drawn to do considering he didn’t actually know much about Magnus’ line of work - not that he’d ever admit to that - when the door to his room opened slowly and Max’s head popped in.

He had that worried look on his face that he’d seen earlier, but upon seeing Alec was sitting up and reading, his frown turned into a smile. He stepped in and ran for the bed, jumping up next to Alec and immediately curled into him. Baldur lifted a startled head and moved off the bed, leaving Max and Alec alone.

“Dad!” Alec welcomed this. The warmth of his son’s body and the fresh smell of outdoors that seemed to linger to him more often than not nowadays. He stroked a gentle hand over his windblown hair and pressed a kiss to his forehead, nudging him to look up at him.

“Hey bud, how was your day?” he asked, genuinely curious, as Max settled in next to him, poking his elbow into his ribcage with the movement. Max began retelling his day, from the moment Grandma had woken him with pancakes and hot chocolate, to the thrilling drive into town to drop Rafael off at school with Magnus and then going into the woods, also with Magnus, to look for herbs to restock his inventory.

“And then we came back here after we picked up Rafe from school, and he let me - oh, I need to show you something!” Max recounted and pushed himself off the bed, leaving Alec’s side cold. He didn’t miss how Max had called the other boy by a name he’d up until now only heard Magnus call him.

It took a while for Max to return, but when he did, he was balancing a tray in his hands. His tongue stuck out in concentration and Alec’s heart sighed of love for the boy. There was a single bowl placed on the tray and the contents of it steamed and a sweet smell of food spread through the room. Alec’s stomach grumbled loudly, notifying him that he hadn’t eaten anything the entire day.

“Magnus said you should eat something,” Max said as he placed the tray on the bed and climbed up next to Alec again. Reaching for the bowl, Alec recognized the contents and smiled - broccoli cheddar soup. He also noticed the small stack of papers on the tray that Max reached for and held them up in front of Alec as he ate.

“This one is of me as a pirate and here’s one of my pirate ship - look I drew the pirate flag here,” Max had always liked pirates for some reason. “And here’s you as a mermaid.” Alec laughed at that and couldn’t find it in himself to correct him.

“And here’s one of our family.” Alec almost choked on a piece of broccoli as he counted five people in the picture. “You, me, Grandma, Rafe and Magnus!” 

Max smiled proudly and held it up closer for Alec to inspect. His heart broke a little for his son as he set aside his bowl and cleared his throat.

“Rafael and Magnus aren’t family, Max. They’re just two people who live here,” Alec tried to sound as soft as possible, trying not to stir him up.

“But they live in our house, in our home?” Max asked, confusion shining through his blue eyes.

“A house doesn’t make a ho-,” Alec hesitated, sighed and put on a patient smile for him. “A house doesn’t make a family.”

The words obviously didn’t make any sense to him as Max kept staring at him with the kind of childish confusion that only a 6-year old could manage to express. But then he shrugged and sighed.

“Okay. But Rafe is a good brother. His drawings are really good.”

And just like that, they didn’t talk more about that matter. Max continued talking about his drawings until his voice got lower and his speech was interrupted by yawns.

“Bedtime, is it?” Alec asked, knowing well enough that he had the final word in that conversation. Max nodded against his shoulder and yawned loudly again.

“Will you read me a bedtime story?” Max looked up at him, his eyes shining with exhaustion and his cheeks rosy from the day spent outdoors.

“Of course. Why don’t you go brush your teeth, pick a story and get in bed?” Alec raked his hand repeatedly through Max’s hair and placed a kiss on his temple before he slowly began dragging himself away from Alec yet again.

Leaning back against the headboard, he sighed before pulling himself together and dragging himself out of bed. It was both shame and guilt that kept him from walking into the kitchen where he heard his mom and Magnus chatting away, pots and pans clanging as they went. Instead, he walked directly to Max’s bedroom.

It had been Izzy’s growing up, but had since been changed into one of the many guestrooms in the old farmhouse that his mom still kept. It made sense that she’d rented the top floor and one of the wings out to Magnus. It helped pay the bills. It was only logical.

“I wanna know about the thunder!” Max squealed as he ran for his bed and threw himself under the covers almost a bit too enthusiastically for someone about to go to sleep. Alec wondered in silence what had gotten into him in the 5 minutes it had taken him to brush his teeth and pick up a book. “Magnus said that there’s a person in the sky making thunder with a hammer.” 

Alec almost wanted to roll his eyes at the phrasing he’d chosen, but then again, he was a kid and didn’t know better. Alec also noted that this was around the 5th or 6th time this evening alone that he’d heard the phrase ‘Magnus said’.

“Did he now? Well, then I better read this,” he eyed the title of the book, “‘Thor: God of Thunder and Lightning’ to see if Magnus is telling you the truth or if he’s feeding you lies for dinner. Scoot over young one, and let the old man sit.”

Max’s cheerful giggles still rung in his head as he fell asleep more lighthearted than he’d been all day.

 

***

 

Alec found Magnus in the kitchen around lunch time the next day. He looked up briefly as he poured water for his tea, smiling Alec’s way as he caught the sight of him. Maryse had taken Max into town to look for some new boots, ‘ _ in case his other boots are wet still _ .’ as she’d said. And with Rafael at school, that left the two of them alone in the house.

“Alexander! I was wondering if I was going to see you today,“ Magnus hummed as he steeped his tea. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” Alec said, taken aback by the worry in Magnus’ voice. “Sorry for dumping my kid on you like that yesterday.”

“No worries. He’s an absolute delight. You have no idea how much I’ve tried to get Rafe interested in my line of work with no luck. Having Max by my side is… it’s fun,” Magnus said, blowing the steam of his tea cup. “And I’m sorry.”

Alec frowned. “About what?”

“About you. About… I’m sorry to be so forward with this, but I recognize a depression when I see it.” Magnus looked wary, trying not to overstep.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Alec shrugged and moved to the coffee machine. ”You seem like the person who would. And don’t be sorry, I’ve learned to recognize it and to work with it.”

Magnus was quiet for some time, letting the ticking of the clock on the wall fill the room. 

“I see it in Rafael too. Sometimes. But when I ask him if he’s okay, he doesn’t say anything. Am I… what am I doing wrong?” Magnus leaned against the counter next to him, close enough for Alec to catch a whiff of his cologne. 

“You’re doing the best you can,” Alec said, reassuring him. “But you need to let him come to you. When he’s ready, he’ll tell you. Or maybe he won't, but that’s his decision to make. You just have to be there for him, no matter what.”

“Of course I’ll be there. I’ll always be there. He’s my son.” Magnus nodded, the expression on his face telling Alec it was the easiest thing in the world to do so. The knot in Alec’s chest tightened, and he looked away. 

“Well, I’ll be just across the courtyard if you’re in need of some company.” Magnus clicked his tongue, walking out of the kitchen. A little while later Alec heard the front door shut.

Releasing a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, he leaned over the kitchen sink, suddenly feeling dizzy. Squeezing his eyes shut and focusing on his breathing, he kept hearing Magnus’ words playing on repeat in his mind. What he had said the other day, about not wanting to move Rafael all over the world, had nudged something in his mind, making him question if he was doing the right thing for Max. And what Magnus had said just now, how he would always be there for his son made Alec think of his own father and how he’d never been there.

Robert and Maryse had divorced each other when Alec had been in his senior year of high school, and Robert had promptly moved away to pursue his political career in Washington DC. Ever since then, he’d been practically nonexistent in their lives, but even before then Robert had been distant, barely home in the weekends or out traveling in the weekdays. When Alec had adopted Max he’d promised himself, and most importantly Max, that he’d never become his own father, and every single day for the past 6 years he’d kept that promise in his head and his heart as he took steps to becoming the father he wished he’d had growing up.

The front door slammed shut and Alec straightened up and pretended to look busy. His coffee had gotten cold so he poured it out and rinsed the cup.

“Dad, where are you?” Max sounded happy and relief flooded through Alec.

“I’m in the kitchen,” he called out and was greeted by his mom quickly followed by Max who made a jump for Alec and he caught him, holding him tightly. Max wrapped his legs around Alec’s waist and leaned back to look at Alec with a smile.

Maryse dropped a kiss on Alec’s cheek before leaning against the counter and crossing her arms. A smile played on her face, but there was a nervous undertone to the way her breathing came uneven.

“Mom, what-”

“Maryse!” A deep voice called out as the front door opened and closed again. “I figured out what the problem with the pickup was. The spring in the- oh, hi.” A tall, dark brown man stood in the doorway, seemingly frozen in his movements as his eyes landed on Alec.

Frowning, Alec looked at his mom who was…  _ blushing _ ? Something clicked in Alec’s mind and he spun around, still with Max on his hip, and looked wide-eyed and surprised at the man.

“Luke? Luke Garroway?” A smile spread on Alec’s face as he looked from his mom to the man.

“Yeah, and you must be Alec. It’s good to finally meet you.” Luke stepped closer and stretched his hand out.

“Yeah, I- Max, hop down… Yeah, you too. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Letting Max slide off his his, he grabbed Luke’s hand and shook it firmly. Maryse and Luke had started dating while Alec and Max lived in Paris and thus Alec had never had a chance to meet the man. Surprised, and a little shaken at it happening so sudden, Alec couldn’t help but look between the two of them.

Maryse was still blushing a little and her hands covered her cheeks, but the love that shone through her eyes as she looked at Luke was as bright and warm as the sun streaming in through the kitchen window.

“You too, man. I had pleasure of chatting with Max on the drive here. You have a great kid,” Luke smiled and looked at Max who was hiding behind Alecs legs.

“Yeah, well, I learned from the best.” Alec said, casting a glance at Maryse while he ruffled Max’s head.

Maryse, clearly overwhelmed and emotional at this, started waving her hands around and chuckling. “Okay, that’s enough. I’m glad the two of you’ve finally met. Now, get out of my kitchen so I can start with the dinner.”

“Mom, please. Let me h-”

“No such thing Alec. Max, why don’t you go show your dad your new boots?” His mom started picking things out of the fridge: onions, tomatoes, lettuce and a container of tofu. Alec ushered Max towards the living room as he glanced back at his mom and Luke.

“Babe, let me cut the onions for you.” Luke stepped to her side and helped her place the ingredients on the kitchen counter.

“Thanks love,” Maryse said easily and pecked him on the lips before continuing to rummage through the fridge. Alec turned away with a smile, happy to see his mom like this.

 

***

 

Luke ended up staying for dinner, to much joy from both Magnus and Rafael, and thus also Max. Lately it seemed that whatever excited Rafael excited Max as well. As it turns out, Luke is the one responsible for Magnus and Rafael living in the house. Magnus had assisted Luke in a criminal case that involved poisonous plants, and since then they’d been friends. One day, Magnus had complained about their old town apartment being too small and inconvenient for Magnus’ practice and Luke, knowing Maryse was renting parts of the house, had suggested Magnus get in touch with her. That had been almost three months ago.

When they’d all finished eating, Alec suggested he’d clean the kitchen and urged that his mom and Luke should take the evening off. Rafael left the table followed by Max, and Alec had to fight the urge to tell Max it was way past his bedtime. Seeing how happy Max was made him soft, and he couldn’t help but give him some leeway.

“Rafe, ¡ _ vámos yendo _ ! You still have school tomorrow, no?” Magnus called out before helping Alec clear out the table. Alec vaguely heard Rafael yell something back and Magnus let out a deep sigh before leaving to go find Rafael.

Alec was left alone in the kitchen and started on the cleaning. The sounds in the house kept his mind from wandering to where it had been interrupted earlier. Instead he let the sound of his mom and Luke quietly talking in the living room, the sound of Magnus yelling something in Spanish and the sound of running water from the kitchen sink drown out every thought he had until the kitchen was spotless.

“Alright, goodnight everyone!” Magnus called out and received murmured answers from the living room. His head popped into the kitchen where Alec was still standing, reveling in the peaceful hustle of the evening.

“I expect to give you a tour of my practice tomorrow. Max loves the place!” He winked before disappearing back out of the kitchen. Alec smiled a little to himself as he left to go find Max.

“Alright Max, it is way past your bedtime! If I don’t see you in your bed in 5 minutes, there will be no Grandma Maryse pancakes for breakfast!” Leaving the kitchen and entering the living room, he called out to Max, not knowing where he was and heard a faint and alarmed ‘no’.

“That is some excellent parenting Alec. I too wouldn’t want to miss out on those.” Luke chuckled from where he was sitting on the couch, massaging Maryse’s feet in his lap. Alec smiled at them and bent down to kiss his mom on the cheek.

“I’ll see you in the morning Mom, and Luke, it was nice meeting you. I hope we’ll get to see you again before we leave.” 

Luke nodded, “Definitely. I have to fix something on the pickup, so how about I take you to the airport? You can drive into town and pick me up, and then I’ll take the car back and get it fixed.”

The airport. Right. Somehow, over the course of the evening, Alec had managed to forget they were leaving in less than three weeks, but Luke’s offer suggested it was something his mom and him had just been discussing.

“That sounds like a plan,” Alec agreed and nodded before looking towards the clock on the wall. “Alright, I better go check on Max. You two have a great night.”

Walking down the hallway towards Max’s room, he felt the knot in his chest tighten as his mind suddenly drifted off to the work emails he had yet to respond to, the missed calls from his boss and the real estate agent in London who had texted him a week ago saying they needed his signature for the lease. However, all that suddenly seemed less important when he found Max lying in his bed, clutching his teddy bear tightly under the covers and his blue eyes staring at Alec with joy. 

 

***

Alec did go visit Magnus in his practice the next day, and the day after that, and the day after again. On Friday night, they started a game of ‘Uno’ that didn’t end well on Magnus’ part, who then suggested they’d do a rematch the next day, which led to another rematch, and then another. When the weekend came, and Magnus had no clients and Rafael had no school, they spent their days with Alec, Max and Maryse.

Suddenly, it was Monday again, and the rush of eating breakfast while Rafael got ready for school started to feel familiar to Alec, who in turn started his own routine to fall into step with the others. He’d get up, go for a morning jog, eat breakfast, try to work for a few hours before giving up and then go spend the afternoon in Magnus’ practice with Max, who’d taken an interest in the worn out books about plants and herbs Magnus kept. 

In the evening, they’d all have dinner together, and after dinner, Magnus and he would sit in the living room, either talking, watching TV or both until they were both half asleep on the couch and they half-heartedly promised each other that ‘ _ tomorrow we’ll go to sleep earlier’ _ \- which they didn’t. Another week passed like this, and Alec found comfort in the routine and felt relief whenever the bad signal kept him from being able to work, allowing him to spend the day with Magnus and Max instead. And he felt relief another time when he accidentally tripped over a dent in the old wooden floors and tumbled right into Magnus, making them fall to the floor and, instead of hurrying to his feet, Magnus kept still and looked him in the eyes.

It didn’t take long for Alec to recognize that what he was beginning to feel for Magnus resembled a crush. Alec hadn’t had a crush since freshman year of college when the boy who sat next to him in biology class shared his notes with him. What he felt for Magnus was a flutter in his stomach whenever the other man would smile his way, a skip of heartbeat in his chest whenever their hands brushed as they helped each other set the table, and the way his tongue got stuck in his throat when Magnus’ eyes had begun to linger on him late at night.

It scared him how fast he’d started to feel this way about him, but somehow he didn’t question it. Magnus was exceptionally smart, generous and good to Max in a way Alec had never seen an adult be around someone who wasn’t their kid. He had a kind heart and really,  _ really _ nice arms. Alec had caught himself staring at them, and the way the fabric of his shirts would stretch across them, and he was vaguely aware that Magnus knew. He didn’t mind that his attraction was known by Magnus. 

There was, of course, the looming departure date for their move to London that was fast approaching, and Alec knew he needed to stop his thoughts from spinning out of control. But then Magnus would look at him with his deep, brown eyes and smile the smile Alec had grown fond of, and then any thought of London and moving would fade.  
  


 

***

 

“I need you to pay attention to me, okay? Max, sit down!” Alec was getting frustrated. Max had been acting weird all day, refusing to listen to what Alec told him. It was Friday of their second week with one week left to go before their move, and Alec knew that now was the time to mentally prepare Max for the move.

“Max, come on, who got you this pumped up? Did you eat one of Grandma’s donuts?” Alec sighed and grabbed Max by the shoulders, forcing him to sit down on the bed in front of him. Baldur was sleeping on the rug in the corner, snoring gently which made Max giggle uncontrollably. 

“Are you listening to a word I’m saying?” Alec rolled his eyes and looked at Max with a strict glare and he finally geared down.

“As you know, we’re moving to another place on Saturday - a week from now. We’ve done this before, and this time we’re going to a country that speaks the same language as you and me. So it should be easier for you to make friends this time, okay?”

Max frowned and a pout spread on his face, his previous joy suddenly deflating from his face. “Are you going to be working again?”

Smiling vaguely, Alec nodded. “Yes. Dad will be working again, and you will be going to a school with other kids your age.”

“And what about Magnus and Rafe?” Max wondered, his eyes momentarily lighting up at the hope that they might be coming as well.

Sighing, Alec said, “They’re not coming, Max. It’s just you and me.”

Max’s frown seemed to deepen. “Why can’t we stay here with Magnus and Rafe? And Grandma?”

“Because Dad has to work. This is what Dad does.”

“But why can’t we stay? You can work with Magnus, and then we can stay.”

Containing his frustration, Alec took a deep breath in through his nose. “It’s not that easy, Max.”

“I want to stay.” Max began to stand up from his bed, his hands fisted and his glare angry.

Alec sighed. “You can’t stay.”

“Why?”

“Because I say so, Max. Sit down,” Alec urged as Max started to walk away from him.

“You’re stupid!” Max turned around with a deep frown on his his face. It was low blow on Max’s behalf, but it was nothing they hadn’t been through before. It was the same argument they had before every big move, but this time around Max seemed angrier.

“Max, stop it. Sit down.” Alec sighed and felt his fingertips go numb with frustration. This was getting out of hand.

Staring angrily at Alec, he said, “No, you’re stupid and I hate you.” 

“Hey, Max. Calm down alright.”

“No. I hate you! I hate you and I want to stay with Magnus!”

“Max, that’s not an option, and you know that!” Alec raised his voice. Max had never been this stubborn when it came to moving. In the past it had taken Alec a few tries to get Max to cooperate, but Max had never looked at him with this kind of anger before.

“I want to stay with Magnus,” Max shouted, his voice trembling. “You always work! You’re never there!”

It felt like a slap in the face, a punch in the gut and like he’d been downed in icy water all at the same time, because that wasn’t Alec - that was Alec’s father. Suddenly, Alec was 6 years old again and desperate to get his father’s attention while he was on the phone and working. He was 10 and trying to get his fathers approval for finishing a book on American politicians. He was 14 and trying to get his father to attend his basketball games. He was 18 and trying not to care that his father had looked at him with a mix of antipathy and confusion when he’d come out.

Max looked on the verge of crying, but Alec felt too numb to reach out and comfort him. Instead, Max stormed out of the room sobbing and left Alec alone with his mind running wild. Was he becoming his own father without knowing it? Alec had few reference points in being a single parent and the only other single father he knew was Magnus. Alec knew he couldn’t and shouldn’t compare himself to other parents and their relationship with their kids, but it was difficult not to when he saw the easy and loving bond between Magnus and Rafael.

Leaning forward in the plushchair he was sitting on, Alec sighed heavy and closed his eyes. He wanted to be the perfect father for Max and give him everything he wanted, but he couldn’t do that without the financial security his job gave him. And it’s not like he wasn’t there for Max. Max had overreacted, he reassured himself. Max was 6 years old and didn’t know better. While he may spend a lot of time working to ensure the best possible future for Max, he also took time out of his busy work schedule to spend time with and listen to his son in a way Alec’s own father never had.

A quiet whimper broke through his thoughts and Alec looked up to see Baldur sitting in front of him, his head askew, almost questioning. It was strange. It was almost as if he knew what was going through Alec’s head. He reached out and scratched his ear.

Mumbling, Alec stood up, determined to find Max. “We’re okay buddy, don’t you worry about that.”

His search took him to Magnus’ practice. Stepping inside, he let the familiar sweet scent of incense release the tension in his neck. Dried herbs and fresh plants hung from the walls and the ceiling creating a cave-like atmosphere. He could hear voices from the far right corner, and he moved towards them, careful not to bump any of the mason jars and containers.

When he reached them, he was slightly disappointed to see Magnus talking to a man and not his son. Frowning, he vaguely recognized the man. He was tall, dark-haired and slightly pale. He looked almost the same from when they’d been growing up, but back then he’d had glasses.

“Simon?” Alec blurted out in astonishment, well aware that he’d just interrupted their conversation.

Simon turned around with a surprised smile on his face, and for a short moment they stood and took each other in. His childhood best friend hadn’t changed much, and by the look of his suit and the trimmed haircut, he’d pursued a career in accounting.

“Oh my- Alec!” Simon exclaimed, stepping forward to hug him. Alec hadn’t seen him since he left for college almost 20 years ago. “What are you doing here man? I thought you were somewhere in Europe?”

“I was, but now I’m back home.”  _ At least for a little bit _ went unsaid. “How are you?”

“I’m good. I have a steady job, great friends.” He smiled at Magnus. “An amazing wife and two great kids.” Simon beams as he waves his hands around. Alec catches a glimpse of the wedding band on his left ring finger.

“Did you-?”

“Did I ask my high school sweetheart to marry me?” Simon asks rhetorically before answering the question himself. “Yes, yes I did. Maia is doing great. She’s leading a research team at the aquarium in the city. She’s gone for the most part, so I’m a part-time stay at home dad and part-time accountant.” 

Alec swallows something and frowns. “And you make it work? Dealing with your job and raising your kids?”

“Well, the kids are a pain in my ass because they’re just starting to figure out how to be teenagers,” Simon said and Magnus nodded like he could relate. “Raising them was tough. We were both full-time employed, but we made it work. It’s great to have someone to share the burden with.”

Alec looked to Magnus at that and caught his eyes. Heat bloomed in his cheeks and he looked away and back at Simon who checked the watch on his wrist.

“I need to get going, but it was great seeing you Alec! Oh man, we have so much to catch up on. We should get together some time. I’m sure Maia would love to have you both, as well as your boys, of course,, over for dinner!” Simon smiled widely and Alec found it easy to smile in his presence. Without knowing it, Alec begun to smile as he hugged Simon one last time before letting him get going.

“I shouldn’t be surprised you know everyone in town,” Magnus said and started walking around the shelves. “What can I do for you, Alexander?”

Alec frowned, suddenly reminded of why he was there in the first place. “Have you seen Max?”

“No, but Rafe texted me asking if they could watch a movie. I told them yes.” Magnus stood halfway hidden behind a shelf of dried herbs. “Did Maryse tell you she’s spending the night in town with Luke?”

Shaking his worries for Max away, Alec nodded. “Yeah, so it’ll just be the four of us for dinner.”

Looking up from behind the shelf, Magnus smiled, his eyes crinkling and his nose scrunched up. He looked soft under the sun that filtered in through the windows. 

“I’ll look forward to it.”

 

***

 

There was nothing to look forward to. Max was obviously still marked by their conversation earlier as he came down for dinner, sulking and refusing to look at Alec, and while Rafael tried his best to cheer him up, nothing seemed to bring a smile to his face.

Sensing the tension at the table, Magnus asked Rafael to take Max back upstairs to finish their movie and afterwards tuck him into bed. When the boys left the table, Magnus told Alec to go sit in the living room while Magnus cleared out.

Grabbing the bottle of wine, Alec carried their wine glasses to the living room where he sat down on the couch in front of the fireplace. It took Magnus less than 10 minutes to join him and as he refilled their glasses he watched him worriedly.

“Is everything alright?” Magnus asked curiously as he sat down and handed Alec his glass.

“We had a falling out, but he’ll come around. Don’t worry about it.” Alec shrugged it off, not wanting to burden Magnus with his argument. Instead, Magnus asked him about Simon, and Alec, grateful for the distraction, began telling Magnus about how Simon and him had met on the first day of freshman year in high school.

They had just started on their second bottle of wine when Rafael came down to tell Alec he’d put Max to bed. Alec smiled at him and felt like hugging him, grateful that he didn’t have to deal with Max’s moodiness but feeling guilty for leaving Rafael with the task.

He was quiet for some time after Rafael had said goodnight and had gone upstairs. He was focused on the sound of the crackling fire, the monotonous ticking of the clock and Magnus’ breathing. He noticed how close they were sitting next to each other, as if gravity and the heaviness of their wine drunken bodies had moved them nearer each other. 

“Rafael is a great kid,” Alec said looking into his wine glass before looking up. Magnus watched him intently, and Alec was momentarily distracted by the flickering shadows on his face caused by the gentle fire in the fireplace. 

“He’s a special one, that’s for sure,” Magnus chuckled and took a sip of his wine, letting the tip of his tongue dart out and causing Alec’s thoughts to completely disappear. “Max is great too.”

Alec nodded absentmindedly and looked away and into the fire. There was a knot in his chest that seemed to tighten whenever he thought about Max, a knot that had tightened a lot in the past few days. 

“Max,” Alec sighed and rubbed a tired hand over his face. “He’s not the kid I wanted.” 

The words sounded strange and by the look on Magnus’ face - the way he frowned and lowered his wineglass from his lips to tilt his head in confusion - Alec knew it was wildly inappropriate. 

“I wanted a kid who’d grow up to be more independent. Someone who wouldn’t need me as much, especially considering my line of work. Someone like Rafael.” 

“Alexander-“ Magnus started but since Alec couldn’t leave his statement like that he kept talking. He blamed his dazed mind for the way he poured his heart out.

“He’s not the kid I wanted, Magnus, but he’s the kid I needed. I’ve grown, I’ve become a better person because of him, I think. I’ve become a better father than my own, and to me that’s all that matters. I love him. I love him so damn much, it hurts me to see the way he hates me, the way I’ve failed him.”

He didn’t notice he’d started to cry before a gasp escaped his mouth. With a tentative hand, Magnus took his wine glass and placed it on the table next to his own. Alec looked at him and noticed tears escaping Magnus’ eyes as he leaned closer to place hands on his knees. 

“You’re not a failure, Alexander,” he croaked out, giving Alec’s knees a reassuring squeeze. The sight of tears down Magnus’ cheeks and the feeling of his warm hands on him broke something in Alec, and he leaned in to capture Magnus’ lips in a frantic movement. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was his heart that had finally given up fighting his feelings for Magnus. He didn’t know what had made him lean forward, but somehow it had felt instinctive, like this was what he was meant to be doing all along. Kissing Magnus.

It wasn’t the most graceful kiss he’d ever initiated. The way his lower lip dragged against Magnus’ chin and the way their noses bumped was uncomfortable. It took Alec some time to realize what he was doing and he pulled away, too panicked to look Magnus in the eye. 

“I’m sorry, that was wrong of me to -“

“Shut up,” Magnus mumbled before grabbing Alec by the shoulders and pulling him in again. This time their lips moved and melted together, rough, almost desperate with want at first, but settling into something deep and languid.

The softness of his lips and the bite of his goatee sent Alec’s body into overdrive, and the rationally-thinking part of his brain switched off until all he could feel, taste and smell was  _ Magnus. _ The feeling of his hands roaming from his shoulders to his hips as they moved to get comfortable until Magnus was settled in between his legs, chest to chest and lips moving together in symphony.

He tasted salt and spice, dried tears and wine-stained lips, as he slowly let his tongue part  sealed lips and met with Magnus’ in a slow press of warm breaths and tiny gasps. His heart fluttered in his chest as their noses bumped together when Magnus pulled away only to start kissing the side of his mouth, his jaw, and down his neck.

Letting the burning sensation Magnus’ goatee left settle into something resembling a constant, Alec leaned his head back against the armrest of the couch and emptied his mind completely. Right here, right now, he didn’t want to think about anything else but Magnus’ lips against his neck. 

Being a single dad hadn’t kept him from having relationships. He’d had two relationships in the past two years with men whom he, at the time, had called boyfriends, and he’d even found time for a few dates here and there between work and parenting. But none of them had made him feel the way Magnus did. None of them had made him feel warm just by looking at him, or had made him feel safe whenever they were around. And none of them had met Max. In the weeks they’d been here, Magnus had not only taken care of Max but he’d also taken care of Alec - whether he was aware of it or not.

Alec liked the way Magnus made him feel as his lips roamed his neck, only to settle on a spot that made Alec gasp. Magnus must have taken it the wrong way, because instead of keeping his lips connected to his skin, he raised himself up and hovered above Alec.

Neither of them said anything, too afraid to break the heavy spell that bound them together with Magnus between Alec’s legs. They stared at each other, chests heaving and lips glistening, eyelids half-closed and hair ruffled.

“Too much?” Magnus’ tongue darted out to lick his lips as he spoke. Alec could do nothing but shake his head.  _ No, not enough _ .

“I liked it,” Alec said, voice deep and slightly rasping. “I like kissing you.”

Magnus chuckled at that and nodded. “I like kissing you too.”

Alec stared up at him and marveled in his brown eyes that seemed to sparkle as the flickering fire reflected in them.

“I know this is going to sound weird, but I’m… I’m really attracted to you. Not just physically, but also to the rest of you. Your mind, your wits, your h-heart.” Alec definitely blamed the wine on  _ that _ revelation.

“It does sound weird, but I like it. I like you.” Magnus kissed him again with a fierceness that made Alec’s toes curl. Breaking away seemed to be the hardest thing for Alec, but he couldn’t keep doing this.

“Wait- Magnus, wait a minute,” placing a gentle hand on his cheek, he pulled away from Magnus to look at him. “What are we doing?”

“We’re obviously making out on the couch,” Magnus said with a playful smile as he leaned in again. Alec turned his head to deflect it, and nudged Magnus to get off of him and sit up.

“Magnus, we can’t… we can’t do this,” Alec said with regret painted all over his face. “I’m… Max and I are leaving in a week, and I don’t want-”

“You don’t want what?” Magnus no longer smiled but looked confused, like he’d read the situation wrong.

“I don’t want to start something that’s going to leave us broken beyond repair when I leave,” Alec looked at him and studied his eyes. “You’re too interwoven in my family for me to mess this up.”

Magnus kept quiet for a little while, biting the inside of his cheek. Shaking his shoulders gently and stretching his neck, he locked eyes with Alec.

“Okay. We can do this. No strings attached.”

Frowning, but unable to keep the chuckle that escaped him, Alec said, “You make it sound like a booty call.”

“Well, isn’t it?” Magnus contemplated and teased with a smirk. “When we’re both lonely at night. With the kids soundly asleep. And we’re  _ bored _ .”

Magnus leaned into Alec, gently pressing him to lie back on the couch while hovered above him. A genuine smile spread across Alec’s face as Magnus leaned closer. He reached up to cup his cheek.

“Is that how it is?” Alec teased.

Chuckling, Magnus closed the distance between them. “That’s how it is.”

 

***

 

The sound of Magnus’ chuckles and the crackling fire in his head lulled him to sleep later that night after they’d finally untangled themselves from each other. He was fast asleep when a small, warm hand shook him awake. Alec could barely make out the contours of Max’s figure in the dark. Sitting up, alert that something was wrong, he reached for the lamp on the nightstand.

His heart broke in half at sight before him. Max stood barefoot on the floor with tear-streaked cheeks and trembling lips. He sniffled and started sobbing loudly. Alec rushed to lean forward to take him in his arms. Alec tried to shush him but it only made Max’s sobs grow louder. A lump fastened in Alec’s throat and he squeezed his eyes shut, forcing the prickling tears away.

After a while of holding him, Max calmed down and broke away from Alec’s embrace. His shirt was soaked through with Max’s tears where he’d had his head.

“What’s going on buddy?” Alec murmured and wiped Max’s tears away.

“I had a nightmare that you were going without me.” Max voice came out broken and frail.

Alec’s heart sank and he pulled Max in for another hug. “I am  _ never _ going to leave you. I promise you, I will never  _ ever _ leave you.”

Max nodded against his chest before lying down next to Alec. Clutching one of Alec’s hands between both of his, he fell asleep almost instantly. The sight made the knot in Alec’s chest loosen up a little because he knew he and Max were going to be alright.

 

***

 

Max turned out not to be alright. He woke up with a burning fever the next day, which made Alec stay in bed as well. Whenever Max wasn’t asleep, Alec would read to him from books Magnus brought to them. Max rarely got sick, but whenever he did, Alec wouldn’t leave his side. He knew this was nothing to be worried about, but still his stomach twisted with worry.

Baldur came to join them in the afternoon and made himself comfortable at Max’s side, who mindlessly petted him until they were both fast asleep.

In the evening Alec left Max to go have dinner with Magnus and Rafael. The boy quickly left to check on Max, which left Magnus and Alec alone for the first time since last night. There was an electric tension between them, something that could only mean that what had happened between them last night was still something they both wanted.

Magnus’ foot found Alec’s under the table, the touch comforting as if to let him know he wasn’t alone in this, and they smiled at each other. The fondness in Magnus’ eyes calmed Alec’s worry for Max, and he slumped in his chair.

“He told me to tell you that he wants you to read him a bedtime story,” Alec said and leaned forward with his elbows on the table. Magnus mirrored him and leaned close. 

Nodding, Magnus chuckled lowly and asked, “Will I see you later?”

Giddiness fluttered in his chest, and he felt heat rise in his cheeks. Magnus had only been half-joking about his comment on what they were last night. Alec nodded and watched him leave the table and walk towards Max’s room with grace in his steps.

He cleared the table and put the leftovers in the fridge and walked towards his room to pick up his book, but as he walked past Max’s room something made him stop in his tracks and listen.

“I think Dad is sick.” Max’s voice trembled. Alec didn’t encourage eavesdropping, but this was concerning his son’s words about his health. 

“What makes you say that?” Magnus’ voice was steady and comforting - even to Alec. 

“He likes to punch things. I see blood on his hands sometimes. I don’t think he sleeps either, but sometimes he sleeps all the time. Like when we first came here.” A cold shiver instantly ran down his spine. He knew. Alec looked at his hand holding the book and frowned at his knuckles. Scarred spots where he’d rarely let broken skin heal after punching the boxing ball at the hospital gym a little too hard for too long. But that had been weeks, even months ago. Was Max still thinking about that? Alec gulped and closed his eyes, overcome with guilt at letting his son worry like that. 

“I wake up sometimes, at night after he’s tucked me in, and I see him in front of his laptop,” Max is talking quietly and Alec strains his ears to keep listening. “I don’t understand why he says sleep is so important if he doesn’t need it. It’s unfair. Why can’t I stay up late to watch tv?”

Max’s naïve comment almost made him laugh, but the seriousness of the situation made him hold it back. And then it hit him: his son knew he was not sleeping. His son knew he was struggling with something Alec couldn’t control at times. 

The knot in his chest tightened if possible even tighter, and he felt tears well up in his eyes. He’d never felt more like a failure than he did at that moment, standing in the hallway of his old childhood home. A place where his father had failed him, and now he had failed Max.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, he walked away from the door to let Max and Magnus have that conversation. He didn’t need to listen in on the rest.

“He drinks.” A voice spoke suddenly, making Alec jump. On the steps of the stairs that led up to where Magnus and Rafael lived, the young boy was looking at him with his arms crossed and a deep frown on his face. 

“Excuse me?” Alec blurted out, his mind still replaying the bits of conversation he’d just walked away from. He wasn’t sure if Rafael knew what had been said in Max’s bedroom.

“Papa. He doesn’t think I notice. But I do. I notice how there’s always a glass with leftover whiskey at his bedside table, and how he has at least two glasses after dinner and always a glass of wine at dinner. And since you’ve arrived it’s been two.” He looked ahead, his face half-way covered in shadows.

“Rafael-“

He looked directly at Alec as he interrupted him. “You’re not the only one with flaws. We all have them. And we all cope differently.”

Alec let out a cold laugh. “How old are you, kid?”

“Old enough to know these things. Max tells me you don’t sleep. Papa drinks. We’re all hurting in some ways. Get over it.” Rafael, suddenly angry, stood up and walked towards Alec. He stared up at him, eyes wide and furious. “You want us - your kids - to be good people when you can’t be yourself? ¡ _ Qué pelotudez _ !”

“Rafael, ¡ _ cállate _ !” The fury in Magnus’ voice came as a surprise to both of them. Neither of them had heard him step into the hallway. Rafael no longer looked angry but scared, and it pierced Alec’s heart which had grown fond of the boy. However, Alec knew the fury in Magnus’ voice was justified as Alec himself had felt furious at Rafael’s careless comments.

“That’s not okay Rafael, and you know it! Get upstairs, now!” Magnus did not have to have to tell him twice, and Rafael walked backwards towards the stairs and took two steps at a time until he disappeared from Alec’s view.

Sighing, Magnus said. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. He’s… I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

Magnus looked tired. The fires of fury had been replaced by pools of sadness in his deep, brown eyes, and Alec reached out to gently stroke his cheek, letting his thumb graze the side of his eye as a lone tear escaped.

“He’s a teenager. His mind is going through changes, and he’s the only one in control of it. When I was that age, I lashed out pretty badly too.” Alec tried to be reassuring and put on a smile for him, but he didn’t miss the slight tremble of Magnus’ lower lip.

Huffing out a laugh, Magnus smiled weakly. “He’s barely twelve.”

“Sometimes, that’s the worst age,” Alec said lightly, making a face to lighten the mood, and Magnus smiled and kissed the inside of Alec’s palm still on his cheek. The intimate gesture almost took Alec’s breath away. 

“Alright,” Magnus said, and stepped around Alec towards the stairs. “I’ll see you in the morning, Alexander.”

 

***

 

The sun was bright and the birds were singing, and for a moment it felt like the time stood still, and Alec could breathe. Sitting on the patio couch, leaned back and eyes closed, he let the chill air calm him. Max had slept peacefully that night and his fever had almost disappeared, and Alec had agreed to let him get out of bed but only to stay inside. He was currently with Magnus in the living room.

“Alec?” A tentative and slightly nervous voice spoke, and Alec opened his eyes to see Rafael standing in the doorway leading out to the patio.

Frowning at his tone, Alec straightened up. “Hey… what’s going on?” 

Rafael took a few steps forward and sat down next to Alec. He twisted his hands, and the energy radiating off of him was laden with nervousness. Looking at him warily but not pushing, Alec felt the nervous energy seeping through his own skin as well.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Rafael said, looking at Alec through the side of his eyes. His shoulders hung and Alec was reminded how he looked when he’d picked him up from school. “Max told me you were leaving, and he was so upset. I just got really angry, and it came out wrong.”

He paused, sighed and picked up his speech again. “You’re both great people.”

Alec smiled a little to himself and reached out to place a comforting arm around his shoulders. Rafael leaned into his embrace and looked up at Alec with a small smile.

“Thank you,” Alec said and, remembering what Rafael had said the night before, asked, “You’ll let him know when things get too bad, right? You’ll talk to your papa, alright?”

Something unspoken yet very clear passed between them. To Alec, Rafael showed the same signs of depression as Alec had showed when he was younger: unexplained anger, reluctance to talk and, yet, moments of pure joy. Whether or not Rafael knew what all this meant, Alec still hoped he’d talk to Magnus when things got really bad.

“How do you know-” Rafael begun, confused but not offended by Alec’s words.

“We’re a lot alike, you and I.” Alec smiled and gave Rafael’s shoulder a squeeze. Rafael smiled mischievously at that and their serious moment had passed.

“Except you’re old.” His brown curls moved in the breeze, and his dark brown eyes sparkled with joy.

“I’m 38! I’m not old.” Huffing out a mock-offended sound that made Rafael smile, Alec couldn’t help the unabashed smile that spread across his face.

Rafael giggled. “Only old people say that.”

 

***

 

The last week of their stay progressed without any arguments between Alec and Max, and that was win in his book. They settled back into their routine from the week before with Max hanging out with Magnus, Rafael at school, and Alec trying to get work done on his useless laptop. 

Magnus and Alec had barely gotten to spend any time together, as Max had started to get annoyingly clingy and had insisted on sleeping in Alec’s bed next to Baldur every night. Whatever he and Magnus agreed to the other night, it had come to nothing but lingering touches and hushed voices at night before Max had called out to Alec complaining he couldn’t sleep.

And while he wanted to be there for his son, he also really wanted to spend as much time alone with Magnus before their move. Without warning, that thought had made him think of his father. Was that what he had been feeling? Had Alec’s father wanted to do something so badly he decided his family hadn’t mattered?

The last few days it was all he could think of. He started to find similarities between him and his father in almost everything he did. He worked too much, check. He neglected the wishes of his son, check. It was a trip down memory lane when Max started asking Magnus to tuck him in at night, and Alec let himself wallow in self pity which ultimately closed him off and kept him distant from both Max and Magnus. 

On the night before their move Alec was in the middle of packing the last of his clothes when his mom found him. She stood in the doorway with her arms crossed and a somber smile on her face. She had a knowing look on her face, as though she knew what was going on in Alec’s head and the reason why he didn’t smile at her when she made a comment about them leaving her again.

“I know what you’re scared of Alec, but you’re not him.” His mom’s comforting voice drew him out of his miserable thinking, and he looked up to see she’d stepped in to the room and had closed the door behind her.

“But isn’t that exactly who I’ve become?” Alec knew exactly who she was talking about. ”I’ve been so occupied thinking and making sure I wouldn’t turn out to be him, but ultimately that’s who I’ve become.”

“You are not your father,” she said earnestly and took his hands, stopping him in folding and refolding the same shirt again. “I see the love you have for Max, and it’s a love unlike any other.” She squeezed his hands, her brows furrowing in a serious frown. “But he needs you, Alec. And not just now, but also a year, 5 years and 20 years from now.”

While her comment about him not being his father had soothed him, he really didn’t want to have this conversation on the night before leaving. 

Sighing, slightly frustrated, he sputtered, “What about my job? My career?” 

She froze and straightened up at this, obviously angered but also hurt. Perhaps, Alec thought, this had been something his father had used to reason with.

“You’re a single father, Alec,  _ that’s _ your career.” Maryse raised her voice and let go of his hands. “Nothing should be as important as family. I raised you to put family first.”

Her words stung, but he couldn’t bring himself to get angry at her for saying it. Alec knew his mom had put him and his sister before anything else she’d done while growing up. He suspected that’s why it took his parents so long to get a divorce. 

“Do you love him?” Maryse spoke again, her voice soft again.

Frowning, Alec said, “Of course I do. Mom, he’s my son.”

“Not Max. Magnus,” Maryse’s small smile was back on her face. “Do you love Magnus?”

Swallowing, feeling heat rising in his cheeks, he asked, “You know?”

“You get that look on your face. And so does he.” She nodded and walked to a pile of clothes on his bed and begun folding his clothes. “I may be old, but I’m not blind, Alec.”

Alec snorted and smirked, glad that they’d changed the subject, even if it meant they were talking about his not-so secret feelings for Magnus.

“I don’t know if it’s love, but he’s… I like him.” It was as simple as that, and it was a little unsettling to Alec. Nothing in his life had been that simple. Except for deciding to adopt Max.

“I like him too. He’s a good man, Alec,” Maryse said and shot him a knowing look. “He’s a good father, and I can see he cares about Max.”

“Mom-” Alec warned her, knowing where she was going with that, and shot her a glare just as there was a knock on the door.

They both turned towards Magnus who stood in the doorway. He looked almost the way he had the first time Alec had bumped into him. Hair styled, eyes highlighted with a thin black line and his outfit both stylish and relaxed.

“I just wanted to say Max has been put to sleep and Rafe is well on his way as well,” Magnus said. “And I’m just about to head up as well.”

He hesitated a moment too long in the doorway and Maryse took the hint. She squeezed Alec’s arm before leaving the two of them alone.

The silence between them was heavily loaded with unsaid words of Alec’s departure tomorrow. Alec wasn’t stupid, and he knew Magnus had noticed his strange behavior the last couple of days. Without meaning to, Alec had distanced himself from Magnus in order to feel less sad about leaving. But in reality, it had just made it more complicated.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.” Magnus closed the door behind him and took a few tentative steps towards Alec. He had a hesitant expression on his face.

“Yeah?” Alec watched as Magnus took a deep breath, steeling himself.

“Stay,” desperation edged his voice. “Alexander, please stay.”

Something cold ran through Alec’s veins. Magnus looked slightly desperate which did nothing to soothe the sadness Alec had felt the in the past few days. 

Shaking his head slightly, Alec said, “Magnus, you know I can’t do that.”

Magnus nodded and looked to the floor. After a minute of silence between them, he looked back up at Alec, frowning. “For a while I thought you’d changed your mind. There were days I convinced myself you’d changed your mind.”

“Why’d you think that?” Alec asked, slightly taken aback by that confession.

Looking at him blankly, Magnus took another step closer. “Because of Max. Because of how well he’s thriving. Because of how much closer the two of you have grown. Because of how much happier your mom is, now that you’re here. Because of how much happier  _ you _ are!” His voice had grown loud, frantic, but then he took a deep breath to steady himself. Quietly, he added, “Because of us.”

It was like a punch in the gut - one of many he’d felt over the course of this evening. Who was Alec to argue against that when Magnus was right? Alec would be a fool not to recognize that his son had been happier, that Alec himself had felt more at peace than he had in years. But he had his job and Max’s future to focus on.

“Magnus-”

Alec didn’t, couldn’t, complete his answer, his tongue stuck, frozen. It didn’t matter anyway, he didn’t know what to say.

“Why did you do it?” Magnus asked, frustration coloring his voice.

Containing a sigh, Alec asked, “Do what?”

“Why did you kiss me?” Magnus was on edge, his arms wrapping around himself.

Alec told himself he didn’t know, but he knew all too well why, and the guilt tore him apart. 

“I wanted… I wanted to know what it was like to have a family, to have a home where I was happy, where Max was happy. Where I did the right thing. I wanted that, even if just for a little bit. I wanted to know what it was like to feel loved by son, by a-a significant other… I don’t know Magnus, I just wanted to know what it felt like.”

The reality of the words were grave and it left him hollow. Magnus stared at him incredulously and shook his head vaguely as if he couldn’t believe the words coming out of Alec’s mouth. He closed the distance between them and cupped Alec’s cheek.

“You’re a mess…” He whispered, breath warm against Alec’s upper lip. 

Alec choked out a wet laugh, suddenly overcome with sorrow, and leaned in to Magnus’ touch, hoping his regret for dragging Magnus through this mess was visible through his teary eyes.

He must have seen it because he no longer looked angry, just extremely sad. He stepped, if possible, even closer until they were toe to toe, chest against chest. With Magnus this close, it felt as though he could do it, he could...

“Stay,” Magnus whispered against Alec’s mouth as he kissed him soundly, as if he could press the word into him, making him say it, making him stay. “Please stay.”

And it would have been easy to say yes, so, so easy. As easy as breathing, and as easy as it had been for him to fall for Magnus in the first place. Squeezing his eyes shut, reluctant to let go of Magnus, Alec sighed against his mouth before pulling away.

“I can’t, Magnus,” Alec said, angry at himself for saying it and feeling like a fraud for what he said next. “I can’t. I have responsibilities to my job and my colleagues and to my boss who’s expecting to see me first thing on Monday.”

Magnus didn’t seem to hear any of that, or maybe he did but chose to ignore it.

“Stay. Be a stay at home dad. Be a soccer dad. We’ll get you a minivan even. Just... please stay.”

It was bizarre, but Alec felt like laughing. The image somehow vivid in his mind as he let it wander to that possibility. And he did laugh and Magnus joined in, and suddenly it didn’t feel as bad as it had a few minutes ago.

He took Magnus’ face between his hands and gently wiped his thumbs over his cheeks and cheekbones to memorize the feel of his warm skin. He pouted vaguely and looked at Alec with an expression that told him he was torn between being heartbroken, exhausted and happy.

They locked eyes for what felt like eternity before Magnus gently peeled Alec’s hands off his face. Magnus knew he was grasping at straws, knew there was nothing he could do to make Ale stay. He leaned forward and planted a final lingering kiss to Alec’s lips. 

 

***

 

Alec barely slept that night, tossing and turning in his bed, trying to get comfortable with his mind going over every little detail of what had happened the past week, and what he needed to remember for their flight in the morning. He replayed the moment with Magnus, their lips fitting together like puzzle pieces, and recalled the sadness in his eyes as they’d pulled away. It stung that something so good had to hurt so bad. And then he wondered if it had to hurt that bad. Would staying make things hurt less or even at all? The question haunted Alec’s dreams as he finally drifted off to sleep.

When he woke, everything outside was covered in a thick blanket of fog that resembled Alec’s state of mind. He went about the morning in a haze and before long, he was hugging his mom goodbye in the courtyard. They’d packed the car and Maryse had texted Luke that they were on their way.

“Alright Max, let’s go.” Alec turned from his mom to face his son who was still sulking in the entryway. He’d been like this all morning, refusing to listen to Alec and only listening to Magnus when he would repeat what Alec had told him. They were all gathered in the courtyard except for Max who hung back, refusing to step away from the house.

It was rare that Alec got really frustrated with his son, but lately Max’s stubbornness had made his blood boil. “Max, I said let’s go!”

“No!” Max finally moved from the doorway only to run to Magnus and clutching at the man’s legs. Magnus shot Alec a panicked look as he bent down to Max’s eye level. He spoke quietly, and even as Alec stepped closer he still couldn’t hear what Magnus said to Max. Whatever it was, it seemed to work because without a glance at Alec, Max ran for the pickup truck and climbed inside. 

“Thank you,” Alec mumbled as Magnus rose to his full height again. He smiled and waved a hand to brush it off. His brown eyes were as sad as Alec remembered from the night before and it physically hurt to look at him. Instead, he pulled him for a hug.

Magnus’ arms came around his back, strong and warm, and Alec buried his face in his shoulder and breathed him in, determined to remember every little thing about him.

“You’re both very welcome to come visit us in London,” Alec said as he finally managed to let go. He caught Rafael’s eyes as he looked suspiciously between the two of them. Alec wouldn’t be surprised if Rafael had just figured something out, but if he had, he didn’t say anything.

“Thank you, Alexander. We’d be happy to come visit someday, right Rafe?” Magnus ruffled Rafael’s hair and chuckled through the pain in his eyes.

Alec received a brief hug from Rafael, who in turn whispered, “You’re a great dad.”

A lump fastened in Alec throat and he nodded, not trusting his voice anymore. He was reminded of something his boss had told him when Alec and baby Max had first moved to Paris 5 years ago. ‘ _ It’s so hard to leave - until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world’.  _ It had been true back then. But as he sat down behind the steering wheel, leaving felt like the hardest goddamned thing in the world, in his life.

 

***

 

He didn’t know how long they’d been driving down this road, but Max had fallen asleep on the seat next to him. It was still foggy out, and it covered the tips of the the tall trees along the side of the road. The empty road ahead and the steady hum of the wheels comforted Alec to the point where his mind drifted off to what Rafael had said.

_ You’re a good dad _ , he’d said without anything to prompt that.  _ You’re not a failure, Alexander _ , Magnus had told him when he’d bared his heart out.  _ You are not your father _ , his mom had said last night without knowing the internal battle Alec was struggling. Even his son knew something was wrong with him.

The lump in his throat threatened to grow bigger, and he cleared his throat to try and make it go away. It was no luck, so he pushed the thoughts away, trying instead to focus on the stereo.

However, his mind kept drifting back to the scene he’d left. His mom, Magnus, Rafael and Baldur all standing around to see them off. It had been difficult to tear his eyes away from the rear view mirror, but the further away they drove, the smaller the figures got, and suddenly they were gone.

He didn’t know why it was affecting him this much. He’d left places he’d lived at for a longer time than this before, and it had been easy. Even the first time he’d left home to move to Paris had been easy because he’d been excited. The job in London seemed so far out of grasp that all it left him feeling was numb.

His eyes began to sting, and he clenched his hands around the steering wheel to ground himself. Now was not the time to think about that. They’d get to London, and everything would fall into place. He’d start work on Monday, and Max would start school. They’d be back to their old selves within a week. At least he hoped so. 

Feeling the frustration with himself grow, Alec couldn’t stop his mind from wheeling into thinking the thought that had haunted him the most the past three weeks: He was becoming his father. Everything he’d ever done, since adopting Max, he’d done to prevent ending up like his father. He knew he was more present in Max’s life than his father had ever been. But what did that matter if Max only remembered him always working and barely around?

Alec knew he was being unreasonable. He knew his mother was right. Alec wasn’t his father, and he never would be. Alec’s father hadn’t been hurt by Alec’s words when he’d told him he didn’t care about him or Izzy or their mother. He’d shrugged and told Alec to keep quiet as he continued working.

Max’s words, when he’d said he was never there, had hurt Alec in a way he’d never been hurt before, and he’d had his fair share of pain with a few broken bones in his childhood. Under other circumstances, it wouldn’t have hurt him. Had Max told him the same thing 2 months ago, he wouldn’t have batted an eye. But something had changed in Alec which led him to think otherwise now. Did Max’s word hurt because Alec subconsciously agreed with him, and that what he was doing wasn’t what he really wanted?

Gravel and screeching tires cut through his thoughts. He noticed that he’d somehow managed to pull in to the side of the road and had stopped the car.

“Dad?” Max’s voice, thick with sleep as he’d been woken by the sudden stop, drew his eyes away from the road. Max was frowning, his sleepy eyes half closed and squinty.

“Are you okay? You’re crying,” and sure enough, tears were rolling down his cheeks and neck. His body had finally given up on keeping the tears in and had let go. A chilled hand placed it self on his cheek as Max had raised a hand to wipe his tears away. His bright blue eyes were wide and worried. 

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Max said, mirroring words Alec had told him over and over again when faced with challenges in every place they’d lived in. He was so young, and, Alec thought to himself, no kid should have to live in so many places before their 7th Birthday. Looking at him now, he seemed so much older and wiser, as if something in the past three weeks had taught him more about growing up than anything Alec could ever teach him, or maybe it had been a gradual change that Alec had been too blind to notice before now. And that broke his heart because it fed to his guilt for not being there, and it fed to his guessing that if they kept this up, if they kept moving around the world, that Alec might miss out on important moments of Max’s childhood.

“I’m so sorry Max,” he hitched out and swallowed his guilt. What father cries in front of his son? He was supposed to be his rock, his anchor. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you the way you deserve.”

Max stared at him with wide eyes and an expression that clearly told Alec he didn’t understand what he was saying. Maybe Max was still too young to understand the true meaning of Alec’s words, but it mattered to Alec that he’d said them.

Instead Max undid his seatbelt, crawled across the gear stick and swung his arms around Alec’s neck, pulling him into a hug. Releasing a final sob, Alec wrapped his arms around Max and kissed the top of his head.

Alec let out a shaky laugh as Max started rocking him from side to side and started shushing him. “It’s okay Dad.” Max patted him awkwardly on his head as he pulled away.

Wiping away the tears on his cheeks, he looked out onto the road in front of him and found their journey ahead so much more exhausting. As the sun broke through the layer of clouds and shone on the road behind them, a sudden indifference towards his job in London occured. Suddenly, leaving didn’t feel like an option and the thought almost jump started his heart and sent it rabbiting.

“Are we gonna go, or are we gonna sit here all day?” Max asked next to him, his eyes still wide but this time with questioning.

Taking a deep breath, he put two hands on the steering wheel and prepared to make a U-turn.

“We’re gonna go.”

 

***

 

The courtyard looked the same as it had an hour ago, the only difference being it was bathed in bright sunlight. Parking the car and turning the engine off in one swift movement, both of them hurried out of the pickup to run in two different directions.

Maryse, who had most likely seen them coming from the kitchen window, stepped out with Baldur at her feet. She had a worried and confused expression on her face, but Alec didn’t have time to explain. 

On the drive back it was almost as if Alec had had an epiphany: No job was worth risking his relationship with his son. Maryse had been right. Alec was a single father,  _ that _ was his job. And maybe said job came with unseen perks. Perks like as a man with strong arms, deep brown eyes and a smile that put the sun to shame.

“Rafael, we’re staying!” Alec heard Max call out and his mom’s surprised, “You’re what? Alec!” But Alec had already gone through the door of Magnus’ practice and all sounds coming from the outside faded. There was only the sound of his breathing and his rapidly beating heart.

Magnus stood hunched over his desk with a small jar in his hand and a fresh herb in the other, and with the sunlight streaming in from behind him, the features of his face was hidden in the shadows, but Alec knew he didn’t imagine the small gasp coming from him.

“I forgot something,” was all Alec could think of to say, as if it explained why he, an hour ago, had said goodbye, and now all of sudden was standing here again. With his heart in his throat, he managed to swallow the lump that had been sitting there for far too long, and he strode towards the other man, a man Max had found comfort in, a man who cared for Alec and his family. A man Alec had realized he couldn’t be without.

“Alexander, what-“

But Magnus never got to finish the sentence because Alec kissed him, swallowing the rest of his question, an their lips locked in a fierce yet tender motion. It didn’t take long for Magnus to respond, and as his arms found their way around Alec’s neck, his hands found Magnus’ waist.

“We’re staying,” Alec breathed out as they broke apart, foreheads touching and smiles in their eyes. “I’m staying.”

There was a certain weight to those words, but somehow his shoulders felt less heavy as he said them. Max and him were staying, and they’d figure things out as they went. And somehow Alec knew Magnus would be there by his side every step of the road.

 

_ 6 months later _

 

It was the last day of the summer, but it was the first day of school for Max. The sun was out and shone down on them as they walked across the school parking lot. Alec felt strange walking his son to the building where he’d spent his elementary-, middle-, and high school years. 

Max was all jittery nerves besides him, but he didn’t let go of Alec’s hand which made him smile. They’d spent the past many months just being together, as a family, and while Alec still had a lot of strings to untangle, the knot in his chest was almost completely undone.

He’d had help from his mom in realising that there’s no one right way to be a parent and that it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as you right your wrongs. He’d had help from Magnus in coping with his dysphoria, and while he still had bad days, they felt easier to overcome with him by his side.

They had announced their relationship to the boys in late April when Rafael caught them holding hands one night he couldn’t sleep. They had bought Alec a minivan in May. Max had called Magnus ‘Papa’ for the first time in June, and Rafael accidentally blurted out the phrase ‘jeez Dad’ directed at Alec shortly after. His mom and Luke announced their engagement in July. Magnus and Alec both got down on one knee and proposed to each other under the setting sun in late August. 

It was September, and Max had stopped dead in his tracks in front of the school, staring at it with a wary look in his eyes. He looked faintly gray under his sun kissed skin. It was Max’s first day of school, and Alec vaguely remembered what it felt like. The mix of excitement and nervosity had been overwhelming, but he’d had his mom by his side all day.

“Hey,” he said and looked at him intently with the most reassuring gaze he could muster. “I’ll be by your side the whole time.”

Max looked at him and a small smile spread on his face. He nodded and squeezed Alec’s hand. And then Alec promised him something his own father never could.

“I promise, I’ll be there.”

**Author's Note:**

> oh, what a complex place the minds is... as i was writing it, i found that this fic had the potential to grow much bigger and go much deeper in the layers of single fatherhood, adoption and the struggle of breaking social heritage - but since i'm no expert in neither of the three (well, maybe on the latter) i left it as it was. 
> 
> if you have any questions about my thought process, or if you're curious about the choices i made throughout the story, please don't hesitate to reach out - i'd love to hear from you and to answer any questions you might have!
> 
> with that being said, i hope you enjoyed reading the story as much as i enjoyed creating it
> 
> i'm on tumblr as [alecsgideon](https://alecsgideon.tumblt.com/)


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